have you ever been in a big sad deep hole? was there a soundtrack to that time in your life? even just a song?
i was on my yoga mat today when a song came on my playlist that i had listened to a few years back on a loop. yes, i can be a little obsessive about music when it feels like a key that will unlock some emotion and this one was the master key in one of my life's most intense periods. the reasons for my sadness seemed to be - my ex husband and i were headed to court over custody of our son and i was in the middle of a heart wrenching break-up.
when my son was in bed and i had a moment to myself i would put on this song and curl up for my regular crying slot. it went on weeks and weeks and felt pretty good.
conscious crying. a way to actually process the wordless, streaming beauty flowing through me.
today when the song came on and the wave of melancholy started to wash over me, the alchemy happened.
my hands pressed together in prayer pose above my head and the words 'thank you thank you thank you" started to pour out of my mouth…again and again. true gratitude. can't fake it. it just comes when it comes.
thank you for it all. the fucking heartbreak. the dramas (ps - we didn't end up in court thankfully…) the tears…gratitude pouring.
i didn't plan it that way. i didn't have to force anything. we cannot skip steps in this process… it's just life doing it's thing, organically.... no particular practice. just ongoing vigilance, deep listening and an allowing, a greeting of all that comes up.
i'm smiling, as i remember telling myself back then, 3 repeats of the song in, face soaked in salt water;
one day, love, it will all make sense.
and it does.
let your practice be your life.
all love, all ways
ps. curious to know the song? here it is ...