more, not less, of you

have you ever been asked to edit yourself for the benefit of others? 

i remember when i asked my ex husband how i could help his new partner feel more comfortable around me and he told me to "tone myself down" in her presence. i think i just laughed, which didn't help our relations at the time but the idea seemed so preposterous to me - if i toned myself down she would get a slightly unauthentic version of me. that's no foundation for any relationship is it now...

what does this mean when we feel like we need to withhold in order to help people around us feel comfortable? 

it would be a bit nuts wouldn't it, to be responsible for other people's response to my aliveness? withholding radiance seems to be a crime against life...and changing myself to get a better response in the other is self-prostitution and manipulation. i don't want to connect like that. 

radiating the radiance seems to be the only way to go. 

the way i see it is - there simply are not enough people being truly authentic and real out here. so we just aren't used to living in the realm of being real. it's a numbers game and someone has to go first. 

how about i show up so secure and so full that i am basically untouched by any of your dissonance about who i am? that by simply sitting in that i give you complete permission to show up like that too? not that permission is even needed, it's just...required for our level of relating. anything less is just holding back, prostituting ourselves into a smaller space to please.  it doesn't serve anybody to be an appropriate edit of ourselves...does it?

who does it serve to pretend to be a lesser version of who i am? whatever i minimise inside me has nowhere to go, what will happen is that all of that good juice will turn inwards and find it's way out through passive aggression and reactivity...not so pleasant to be around, which we all know...being free stirs up others in exactly the areas where they aren't free. 

here's where i want to hang out - what if i absolutely and totally showed up as me and so did you? what if we were so grounded in all the parts of ourselves that we could be total in our imperfect perfection, lose the notion that we are somehow all trying to earn our place in the world and be worthy of love, live in the knowingness of our truth, be fully free from all that mind crap and get on with being us. 

i am me, you are you and out of that searing and earth shattering authenticity we see that who we are is real beyond anything else; even (especially) in our humanness we see each other and we accept that because we accept it in ourselves. 

and for those that are not rooted in their imperfect imperfection, they really feel quite edgy around you, because they can see where freedom lives and it's an invitation for them to find their own. then you have become a guiding light for those who are living with masks, hiding and exhausted from all the pretending. 

we exhaust ourselves wearing masks for people who (we think) wouldn't hang out with us if we didn't wear those masks, so we're wearing masks for the people that we don't want to hang out with! how about gradually removing those masks and seeing who stays? those are the ones who really get you and really love you. 

as ram das says - we are all just walking each other home. 

be a light